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I-B4-E THUG
Baron



Registration Date: 01.03.06
Location:
Posts: 1047
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This was written during my speed taking days, but it wasn't written during a rebound. But at the moment, it sort of reflects my moods. except for the suicidal, angry enough to become a terrorist part. cheers

Who's Listening?\
In & Out
Over Under
Reach for the sky give me peace

No-one cares
No-one listens
Others in my position
Too far away

Friends don't understand
Stand & be a man
A dead man
But a man

Read the writing
On the writing
Listen to stories unfold
But no-one does
Even those who clean it off
Don't care

No-one cares
If we die
Just a thorn
Out their side
Listen up please
These problems affect someone-
Me.

hope it's good, hope you enjoyed

cheers
06.08.2006, 04:50 AM I-B4-E THUG is offline   Profile for I-B4-E THUG Add I-B4-E THUG to your buddy list
Phyrra
Baron




Registration Date: 04.24.06
Location: England, Surrey
Posts: 1052
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Wow, I love it!

I especially like how you've juxtaposed powerful and sharp language such as 'die' and 'thorn' with calmer language such as 'peace', 'sky' and 'clean'. There's such a lot in the poem, and unheard mesage, a plea to humanity to listen... no matter how hard you try, no-one ever hears you...

That's the impression I get, anyway. I also think that your ending, finishing with 'me' pulls in the reader by making the poem personal. You skillfully use different verbs, according to each stanza's mood. The imperitive of 'be a man' and the plea of 'listens'. Both ask the reader to do something, but in different ways...

You should try and get it published, because it's so evocative. Perhaps you'll be payed ... you deserve it!


__________________

Thanks to mpw3d who made ths amazing sig! The avatar was made by Sarah, from www.digik.net

Post last edited by Phyrra on 06.08.2006, 10:05 AM.
06.08.2006, 10:02 AM Phyrra is offline   Profile for Phyrra Add Phyrra to your buddy list
I-B4-E THUG
Baron



Registration Date: 01.03.06
Location:
Posts: 1047
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i like the get paid part lol
06.08.2006, 10:16 AM I-B4-E THUG is offline   Profile for I-B4-E THUG Add I-B4-E THUG to your buddy list
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