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Tea Master Tall
Totoro
Registration Date: 04.01.07
Location: United States
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Hey there, Taverners! This thread is pretty much completely unrelated to ghibli, but what else is General Discussions for, eh?
Okay, so this is basically a thread where u can talk about your relationships and stuff. Talk about anything love related really.
Now, I really like this girl and it sure feels like love, but is it?
I'm not too young to love.  I may only be 13 but I've been going through some crazy love shenanigans lately.
So, I feel the need to talk about it.
Maybe I should just explain everything from the start:
So over summer school I met this girl named Ada. We had a few of the same classes together. One class was a drama class. The kids basically had to put together everything. Ada, but mostly her friend wrote the script.
I ended up being her boyfriend, funny huh, in the play, which was pretty much a fail. We improvised like the whole thing, lol. But over summer school, I got to know this girl a little better.
Later, in the Fall we were both in the real play, A Community Musical at my school (Oh BTW she goes to a different school). This play was definately not a fail, trust me our director is awesome. So, I started to try to talk to her more, but with my social skills laking, I never really started to loosen up until the Musical ended.
But back up, this OTHER girl asked me out on a bus ride. And at that time I was pretty much convinced on Ada, so I rejected her. It kinda sucks this whole love business. But, I think my choice was okay because if I ended up dumping her, I fear it would've made things worse. So I decided to keep this other girl out of the picture because I suck at multitasking.
Anyway, present day-ish, I just can't stop thinking about her. I really want to talk to her, but I really have no way. But I think she's getting a facebook soon, so that should solve that. Also, over the Musical, I met and befriended her brother, Red. Which makes things even more complicated. If I ever get close to Ada won't it be pretty weird for Red?
Okay, so just a simple undetailed summary of what's happened so far. As for the lack of communication skills, I just suck at asking questions.
Well, that's my first quarter of 7th Grade Middle School for ya!
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Post last edited by Tea Master Tall on 11.30.2010, 12:22 AM.
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 11.30.2010, 12:19 AM |
   
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jusomekid
Ohmu
Registration Date: 06.21.10
Location:
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Wow, so young! Hmm, maybe you should practice bringing up conversations more? Ask her if she has instant messaging, or better yet, invite her to the tavern and talk about ghibli!  I find it easier to communicate via instant messaging. But good luck with that!
As for me... I'm in a great relationship, built on trust and communication It's such a wonderful thing to be able to tell your special other pretty much anything. Oh she's so awesome! <3
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| 11.30.2010, 03:05 AM |
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arren18
Administrator
Registration Date: 08.15.06
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 10672 |
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quote:
Originally posted by Tea Master Tall
Now, I really like this girl and it sure feels like love, but is it?
Only you can answer that. Don't let anybody patronise you by telling you what you're feeling.
As a more constructive response, I'd say it doesn't really sound like it. But I could be totally wrong. If you think what you're feeling is love, then I say you should pursue it now, before things go wrong and you end up getting upset.
quote:
Originally posted by jusomekid
I find it easier to communicate via instant messaging.
Me too. My social ineptitude is quite frustrating.
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| 11.30.2010, 06:46 AM |
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Tea Master Tall
Totoro
Registration Date: 04.01.07
Location: United States
Posts: 730 |
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@jusomekid I don't even think she knows about Ghibli, but I will tell her about.
@Arren18 Yeah, I think it's a bit early to tell if it's love actually, now that i think about it. I need to get to know her better. I think just I'm assuming things way too fast.
But, don't leave this thread to my situations alone...
This is for everyone else too.
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Post last edited by Tea Master Tall on 12.01.2010, 04:29 PM.
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| 11.30.2010, 07:24 PM |
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jusomekid
Ohmu
Registration Date: 06.21.10
Location:
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Even though I'm with someone... I have no idea what Love is yet 
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| 12.01.2010, 04:33 PM |
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Yay! Kiki
Baron
Registration Date: 04.06.08
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3851 |
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Ahh, it's the Love thread! It was sad when the other one died a couple of years ago. D:
quote:
Originally posted by arren18
quote:
Originally posted by jusomekid
I find it easier to communicate via instant messaging.
Me too. My social ineptitude is quite frustrating.
I third this. Except for when I know people really well, IMing>talking in person.
Love. Hrm. I like this guy, at the moment. I've liked him for like two and a half years. Aaaaaand things are going pretty well ATM, so this is good.
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| 12.01.2010, 11:39 PM |
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Kazegami
Miyazaki's Best Friend
Registration Date: 08.19.07
Location: a world of pure imagination
Posts: 7025 |
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Ah, I felt like I loved someone a couple of months ago. Never been that obsessed with anyone before, for a while he was in every single dream I had. But no... since briefly getting close to him I've seen the awful side of him that I never noticed before in the two or three years I've known him. It was a couple of months ago that we broke up, and he's had two girlfriends since then. Seems that that's how it is with him, he doesn't stay with a girl for more than a couple of weeks. Weird guy. Guess he just needs to grow up a bit.
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| 12.02.2010, 12:57 PM |
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Tea Master Tall
Totoro
Registration Date: 04.01.07
Location: United States
Posts: 730 |
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Come on people don't be shy
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| 12.05.2010, 03:03 PM |
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laazd,
Tanuki
Registration Date: 09.27.10
Location: Canada
Posts: 86 |
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hmmm ... well i've had a boyfriend for over 2 years now and i feel like at the beginning of the relationship everything was going so smooth (and don't get me wrong , our relationship is awesome , he's an amazing guy) but nowww... not even recently , like 2 months in he started getting super jealous. i mean any guy that would msg me via facebook or text me. it was question after question after queeeeeestion. and now i literally don't have one guy friend and before him almost all my friends were male! every time a guy gets brought up or i wanna talk about even a celebrity , he seems to get so mad! i don't know what to do , especially because i love him sooo much! he's always there for me, we can talk about any and everything that's on our minds and we help each other out with it all! we've been through so much and you cant just blow that off. i've tried to talk to him about it but every time i do try he doesn't take it seriously , he just blows it off or tells me something like "it's just the way i am" i can't even explain it. ugh. and i'm totally not a jealous person. i couldn't care less about him having girls that are friends but lately it feels like his jealousy has been rubbing off on me , i always question him and now i don't know what to do , hmmmmmph!
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| 12.06.2010, 10:39 PM |
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dballred
Ohmu
Registration Date: 04.24.06
Location: Oklahoma City - Seattle - Tokyo
Posts: 406 |
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quote:
Originally posted by laazd,
hmmm ... well i've had a boyfriend for over 2 years now and i feel like at the beginning of the relationship everything was going so smooth (and don't get me wrong , our relationship is awesome , he's an amazing guy) but nowww... not even recently , like 2 months in he started getting super jealous. i mean any guy that would msg me via facebook or text me. it was question after question after queeeeeestion. and now i literally don't have one guy friend and before him almost all my friends were male! every time a guy gets brought up or i wanna talk about even a celebrity , he seems to get so mad! i don't know what to do , especially because i love him sooo much! he's always there for me, we can talk about any and everything that's on our minds and we help each other out with it all! we've been through so much and you cant just blow that off. i've tried to talk to him about it but every time i do try he doesn't take it seriously , he just blows it off or tells me something like "it's just the way i am" i can't even explain it. ugh. and i'm totally not a jealous person. i couldn't care less about him having girls that are friends but lately it feels like his jealousy has been rubbing off on me , i always question him and now i don't know what to do , hmmmmmph!
Guy with a guy's perspective (and a lot of tenure) here. I think your relationship has an element of toxicity if it hasn't become toxic already--and I can't lay blame on anything other than a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex.
This is a self-question not intended for public answer, so you can be honest with yourself. When your boyfriend started showing signs of jealousy because you were still communicating with other men, did you push back in any way? If he was of the impression that you two were an item, I hope you realize that his reaction was entirely natural and normal. A man wants to feel that he is sufficient to provide for the emotional and physical needs of his woman. If she seeks or gets needs satisfied from any another source--especially another man--he will lose a degree of self-pride and might even feel threatened. Telling him that she doesn't care if he has friends who are women makes things worse, because it festers self-doubt that she's trying to nudge him out of her life.
If you haven't read it yet, I think you should get Dr. Gray's book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It's a fascinating read with lots of insights into the thought processes of the opposite sex and practical guidelines that will help your relationship grow.
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| 12.10.2010, 06:48 PM |
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arren18
Administrator
Registration Date: 08.15.06
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 10672 |
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Alternatively there's the possiblity that people are individuals regardless of which set of action implements they were born with.
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| 12.10.2010, 06:53 PM |
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dballred
Ohmu
Registration Date: 04.24.06
Location: Oklahoma City - Seattle - Tokyo
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quote:
Originally posted by arren18
Alternatively there's the possiblity that people are individuals regardless of which set of action implements they were born with.
Now this is becoming a really good topic--not that concerns about love aren't serious or deserve real attention. Love, by the way, for me, is what is left over when the flame has extinguished. For those of you who admitted that you don't really know what love is, good for you: you are wiser than many people who have married thinking they do know. Love will come to you if you do not rush it and if you are willing to love. Quoting from an old Beatles song, "...and in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you send."
Back to the response. Of course we're all individuals--it's not a matter of possibility but fact. Individuality, however, has nothing to do with the scientifically proven notion that men and women are different in matters exceeding the plumbing.
For the last 40 years, there has been a concerted effort, laudible in its intent but severely lacking in fact, that women are essentially no different from men. The intent was to remove cultural barriers between women who wished to succeed and their goals. Call it what you will, but this concerted effort has become part of what is called 'Political Corectness,' which tends to place social justice in a plane exempt from scientific scrutiny.
I think if you read Dr Gray's book you'll connect with some of the differences. As a single example of many, he makes the claim that men and women solve problems differently.
1. Women solve problems by networking with other people and talking problems out.
2. Men solve problems by retreating, as he put it, to their "cave," where they work their problems out by themselves.
If a woman notices a man has a problem, she will do what she would do: try to draw him out and talk it over. The man, however, will be annoyed at this and would rather continue his contemplation in his cave. Dr. Gray's advice? Let him stay in his cave; he'll be happier for it--and will emerge eventually.
If a man notices a woman has a problem, such as through her normal mecahnism of talking things over, he'll try to fix it. Often, however, she only needs emotional support instead of a fix. Sometimes, his "fix" action can make the situation worse, resulting in something that annoys or hurts her.
This difference is notorious in one related area: what to do when lost while driving around. Simply put, "men don't ask directions" when lost. This is an oft-heard truism based on biology. A woman will ask directions in a heartbeat, but a man needs to get "un-lost" by himself. He will rather go into a gas station to buy a map rather than ask the person at the counter where he's at.
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| 12.10.2010, 11:21 PM |
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Orphic Okapi
Baron
Registration Date: 04.08.07
Location: Saskatchewan
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Men and women are different, yes, but a lot of the "scientific" claims made by Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus have since been proven false. Most of the universal differences he talks about are actually highly variable, and are socially constructed rather than biological. Both male and female jealousy, for example, are not innate at all but vary from culture to culture. Since male and female differences are largely (although not entirely) cultural, it makes more sense to aproach relationships from that perspective. But in the end, because there is so much variation within a given culture, I guess I'd side with Arren and say it's best to approach each relationship on an individual basis.
PS I appreciate the discussion!
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Post last edited by Orphic Okapi on 12.11.2010, 01:40 PM.
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| 12.11.2010, 01:40 PM |
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arren18
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Location: Edinburgh
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As Orphic pointed out there, culture is extremely important here. Concepts of masculinity and femininity are, in my view, social constructs and not inherently tied to "maleness" or "femaleness".
I notice you refer to "political correctness", which I know is a discredited term. I'd say that political correctness is more about avoiding the discussion of possible differences between groups, for fear of causing offence, and it tends to end up being pretty mixed, as you have cases of one thing being deemed controversial and others perfectly acceptable, which can just make matters worse.
Anyway, what I'm suggesting is not about political correctness; I'm not trying to "protect" people from being offended. I think that political correctness goes about the issue in entirely the wrong way. We should be happy about our differences - not as groups, but as individuals. As individuals, we are pressurised into taking on certain roles, and based on what suits each one of us, we will take up those roles to a greater or lesser extent.
You mention "connecting with some of the differences" that Gray talks about. I am confident that any of the ideas he comes up with can just as easily be put down to personality traits of the individual as to supposed biologically inherent differences between the sexes. Personally, I would indeed fit the "male" role in your example, but not because I'm male. I argue that I would behave in such a way because I am an insecure and above all non-confrontational individual, and other people who also fit that role might fit it for a number of other reasons. Some of those people may even be women.
You also talk about science. To begin with, Orphic has brought up the point that your source is shaky at best. This is the great danger in trying to apply "scientific" ideas to such a subject: new theories are brought up, proven and disproven all the time.
There is also the matter that these studies have to be performed by people, people with their own existing ideas, who may interpret findings in different ways, according to their individualism. A concept you might be familiar with is "changing the outcome by measuring it". I know this is an idea particular to quantum physics, but I believe it applies here too. If somebody has to interpret results to give them meaning, the interpretation affects the conclusion. Far too often, people will fear questioning a scientific idea due to its supposed absolute proof, but science too is never set in stone. We should be as sceptical about it as we might be about, say, religion.
Finally, I think that the kind of binary scientific theory you propose diminishes human complexity. There is more to a person than a series of switches that determine who the person is by which are 1 and which are 0, and as such, there is more to differences between people than being set to male or female, black or white, old or young, good or bad, etc. This is why the individual is the centre to explaining behaviour, though that individual will certainly be influenced by cultural codes such as notions of gender.
I waited a little while before posting again because I was unsure how to word my argument. Now it's turned out to be an essay which I fear might ramble at times. Sorry about that!
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Post last edited by arren18 on 12.12.2010, 10:58 AM.
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| 12.12.2010, 10:45 AM |
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Orphic Okapi
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Registration Date: 04.08.07
Location: Saskatchewan
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I agree with a lot of what Arren has to say, especially the stuff about how binary thinking is restrictive and doesn't work when addressing gender issues. However, I will say I don't think all gender differences are cultural or just individual differences - the vast majority to be sure, but there are a few real biological differences between men and women. You can't leave evolution out of things entirely.
Quick example. Women's sexuality is a lot more flexible than men's. Male sexual preferences are solidified in the early years and don't change throughout the rest of their lifespan. If you're straight, you'll be straight the rest of your life. If you're gay, you'll be gay. It's also the reason men are much more prone to sexual deviance, i.e. pedophilia. If you get screwed up as a boy, you really have no way of changing your sexuality. Women on the other hand can adapt to social pressures, or a lack of them. If a woman feels attracted to a child but knows it's wrong, she can actually stop feeling attracted, whereas a man, generally, cannot. That's also why, now that homosexuality is becoming more accepted in certain western cultures, you have twice as many bisexual women as men.
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Post last edited by Orphic Okapi on 12.12.2010, 06:18 PM.
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| 12.12.2010, 12:47 PM |
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dballred
Ohmu
Registration Date: 04.24.06
Location: Oklahoma City - Seattle - Tokyo
Posts: 406 |
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quote:
Originally posted by Orphic Okapi
I agree with a lot of what Arren has to say, especially the stuff about how binary thinking is restrictive and doesn't work when addressing gender issues. However, I will say I don't think all gender differences are cultural or just individual differences - the vast majority to be sure, but there are a few real biological differences between men and women. You can't leave evolution out of things entirely.
Quick example. Women's sexuality is a lot more flexible than men's. Male sexual preferences are solidified in the early years and don't change throughout the rest of their lifespan. If you're straight, you'll be straight the rest of your life. If you're gay, you'll be gay. It's also the reason men are much more prone to sexual deviance, i.e. pedophilia. If you get screwed up as a boy, you really have no way of changing your sexuality. Women on the other hand can adapt to social pressures, or a lack of them. If a woman feels attracted to a child but knows it's wrong, she can actually stop feeling attracted, whereas a man, generally, cannot. That's also why, now that homosexuality is becoming more accepted in certain western cultures, you have a twice as many bisexual women as men.
We are in agreement here. Gender confusion and sexual orientation are prime counterexamples of the argument presented by the political correctness group which sprung from the womens' liberation movement of the mid '60s. The fact that there are gay, trans-sexual, and gender-confused individuals and that there is arguable validity to the bilological versus cultural aspect shoots holes in the notion that there is no coupling between physical gender and psyche. It's actually one form of political correctness which runs counter to another. The blogical explanation for gay behavior, however, has scientifific backing and the womens' liberation model is little more than wishful thinking.
Different cultures treat everything imaginable in different ways, but the male role as the hunter/gatherer and the female as the nurturer runs across all. This notion is compatible with biology of the species and is manifested culturally in different ways. Another biological fact of life that all cultures need to contend with is that fact that there are few natural examples of monogamous relationships among mammals and none among primates. Some societies openly support this notion and others try to discourage it--but examples of 'straying' abound in all socieities.
There are certain things we do naturally as a zoological species and others based on culture. All humans laugh and cry exactly the same way. What makes us laugh and cry, however, might be driven by culture. Our goal as a naturally curious species should include the determiniation of which is which.
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| 12.12.2010, 03:59 PM |
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laazd,
Tanuki
Registration Date: 09.27.10
Location: Canada
Posts: 86 |
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thank you dballred, Orphic Okapi & arren18.
thanks for all the advice and explaining it a bit for me.
i'll for sure go to my library and look for that book!!!
i seriously need help because sometimes i don't even
know how to react , especially because he's my first
real relationship!
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Post last edited by laazd, on 12.13.2010, 10:27 PM.
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| 12.13.2010, 10:25 PM |
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dballred
Ohmu
Registration Date: 04.24.06
Location: Oklahoma City - Seattle - Tokyo
Posts: 406 |
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quote:
Originally posted by laazd,
thank you dballred, Orphic Okapi & arren18.
thanks for all the advice and explaining it a bit for me.
i'll for sure go to my library and look for that book!!!
i seriously need help because sometimes i don't even
know how to react , especially because he's my first
real relationship!
I think your relationship as you stated is definitely worth some effort on both of your parts. Transitory relationships often suffocate due to lack of conversation. Typically, a non-serious guy runs through his entire repertoire after a few dates, leading to long stretches of deafening silence. You don't seem to have this issue after a couple of years, so I would venture that he's serious.
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| 12.14.2010, 12:42 AM |
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laazd,
Tanuki
Registration Date: 09.27.10
Location: Canada
Posts: 86 |
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yeah, he's serious, a bit too serious. but sometimes it can be a good thing. i mean , i love that i have someone looking after me! and maybe the lack of communication is another thing. he doesn't like to open up and tell me how he feels a lot of the time. All i can do is put all my effort into it and work things out. i guess time will tell... maybe he'll change down the road and maybe i'll just have to learn to live with it.
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| 12.15.2010, 12:02 AM |
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Kemi
Totoro
Registration Date: 05.25.09
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 795 |
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Oh, how lovely! A thread about love, I must say it feels good to talk about people on the web who can give good advices in my opinion, some things I could never tell in real life I fear.
As for me, though, I have a good, steady relationship of 3 years with a guy that lives far away from my home. But we're used to it and I see him every weekend.
I can, without a doubt, say that it was true love from the first moment we actually met and we stayed together since then. He is my soulmate, we can share everything, talk about everything and we're good friends as well as lovers. Our ideas and opinions are mostly the same, though that's exactly the thing what annoys me sometimes. Mister Perfect hasn't got his own opinion but sticks to mine. He is not jealous and I ain't jealous anymore. But he is a sweet and caring guy and we never fight. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I even miss some (little) fights, I think it fires your relationship up and it's good to have some disagreements with eachother. It keeps me strong and it keeps the relationship exhiting, since that is my problem.
I ain't really in love with him anymore, what started so strongly, has now become, as it usually goes after a good time, 'normal' and I caught myself for being bored quite soon when I'm with him. Though I still care about him, it feels he is more like a very very good friend who I can tell everything. I told him all my secrets.
Has anyone got tips for me? Some help how I can 'spice up' the relationship? We've been on a small holiday together already and I had the most fun, but it's just fun..I don't know.
And the thing is, I get more interested in some other real nice guys in my environment, like a guy in my class. I started a real talk with him yesterday and I found out he is such a funny guy, we laughed all the time, that's what I sometimes miss in my own guy.. I have a lot of dreams lately where my boyfriend and I break up, though I cannot break his heart I fear. You see, he cries so easily and I feel he is more in love with me (still) than I am with him.
I wish I could bring back time somehow, the time when we were so in love that we forgot everything around us and when we promised eachtother forever. But now it seems any guy is more interesting than him somehow, or more exhiting (probably because I don't know many of them in person). And even the idea of living together and marry him one day are scaring me. He is my first love, never even kissed before, and I don't know if it would be nice to have only one lover a lifetime.
What do you guys think? Sometimes I feel I am a selfish thinker because I have everything, I have a good relationships, never fights, arguments, jealousy, always happy, but also boring and without life if you ask me. All my friends and his are jealous of our relationship...but well...maybe true love isn't yet enough? Am I selfish?
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Post last edited by Kemi on 12.15.2010, 11:57 AM.
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| 12.15.2010, 11:54 AM |
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